Beautiful Transformation

This past Monday our family celebrated five years of adoption. Looking back five years ago at all my insecurities and fears. God has brought me a long way. I was so paralyzed by fear that I was scared to walk through my house in broad daylight. I cared so much about what people thought about me Gods truth and how He saw me. Anxiously I waited by the phone for my birth parents to call me. I still longed for their acceptance and love. I tried so hard to excuse their behavior and hope for the best, that they would get better. Five years later at age seventeen I am learning that God has not given me a spirit of fear so I am able to walk in freedom. Insecurities hold me bondage but God breaks the chains. He says I am beautiful, a diamond being refined. Worry and anxiety is not trusting God. It is basically say that what I am feeling is more important than trusting Him. God already knows what will happen in every situation. I am learning to stand on my own two feet and on the word of God despite what the world is doing. God has done a tremendous transformation in my heart through out these past five years. If I was not adopted then who knows where I would be! All because two people obeyed the calling God placed on their life, I have freedom, peace and an overwhelming joy that I can not contain and I am so grateful for what God has done and is doing in my life.

Love Intervened

About four years ago my birth parents told me that my birth mom was pregnant again. The news did not come easily, lie after lie the truth was finally revealed. The thought of having a sister was baffling, not knowing if we would be able to adopt her at would happen was very hard for me. I didn't understand why my own birth parents would lie to me. One would think that I would be used to the lies. I would always just keep running back to them despite their deep flaws and the addictions they have. though it was very hard for me I knew that I shouldn't count on everything they say to be true! One of the hardest outlooks for an older child who is in foster care is the nagging thoughts of why didn't they want me anymore? These young kids also believe that it was their fault that they were taken away from their parents. From the Christian perspective the thoughts that penetrate the minds of these young people are lies from Stan. He wants to steal all joy, happiness, peace these kids may have. He wants to sow seeds of turmoil, destruction, and anger. Many of the lies that these young foster kids I have believed myself. I got the privilege to learn of a love that never fails. A love that calms, reassures,  loves beyond all faults, This loves name is Jesus. He totally flipped my life. Changed my thinking d reassures me that everything would be ok. The lies didn't just vanish and life wasn't going to be problem free. Trials come to test you and make you stronger and I believe the news of Skylar being born was a trial to learn to trust God no matter what the circumstance is. He knows the plans he has for me and promises to work all things out for my good. I am blessed with a wonderful little sister named Skylar Grace and she truly is an example of Gods grace to our family, especially me.

His Love Cast Out Fear

The other day I was thinking and praying about a subject to blog about. I decided to write about a memory that came to mind. A memory that had an affect on me even though I didn't know it would. One time my sister and I walked down in our basement. We saw the light go off and felt our way to the stairs to find the door locked. We cried because we were so afraid. I have no idea what possessed my dad to do that. As a little girl he always told me that I was his little girl and he loved me. After that day there was a distance put between my dad and I. If he locked me in the basement, what else would he do? Know looking back to this memory, I believe that Gods is using it to teach me to trust him as my heavenly father. To lean on his unfailing love, to know he will never hurt me. I have reassurance because he spared me through some of the roughest times in my life even though I had no idea. I have forgiven my birth dad and pray for him everyday. The nagging thoughts are still there and I had panicking thoughts when I felt alone in the dark. Know I lean on God and the verse that says God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. The spirit of fear comes from Satan trying to destroy me and pull me away from Jesus. Nothing can separate me from the love and Jesus and he will always protect me.
Even though I walk through the valleyOf the shadow of deathYour perfect love is casting out fearAnd even when I'm caught in the middleOf the storms of this lifeI won't turn back, I know You are near
And I will fear no evilFor my God is with meAnd if my God is with meWhom then shall I fear?Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let goThrough the calm and through the stormOh no, You never let goIn every high and every lowOh no, You never let goLord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is comingFor the heart that holds onA glorious light beyond all compareAnd there will be an end to these troublesBut until that day comesWe'll live to know You here on the earth[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/you-never-let-go-lyrics-jeremy-camp.html ]
Oh no, You never let goThrough the calm and through the stormOh no, You never let goIn every high and every lowOh no, You never let goLord, You never let go of me
Yes, I can see a light that is comingFor the heart that holds onAnd there will be an end to these troublesBut until that day comesStill I will praise You.

Read more: JEREMY CAMP - YOU NEVER LET GO LYRICS

Picking Up The Broken Pieces

I have decided not to let my past hurt me any longer. For so long the feelings of doubt, anxiety, fear, and brokeness plagued me. I was always afraid to let anyone in to how I was truly feeling, due to rejection and the deep scars that my birth parents had left me with. Satan was constantly attacking my mind making me feel worse, and making me feel like everything was my fault. Now I know that the devil is out to kill me! I realized, through a very close mentor, that holding on to the past, and letting those emotions plague me was causing me to be chained. I want to be free from the chains and ask God for strenghth to endure the past and the emotions that I carry.



http://www.verybestquotes.com/letting-go-give-us-freedom-picture-quotes/

    God is taking me through a season of healing. He wants me to learn to trust him with my life, and seek him with my whole heart. I am amazed by how He gently calms and brings peace to me when I feel empty and there is nothing left. At my school chapel last week, the pastor preached on 1 Peter 5:7, " Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you". The message really helped me to see that Jesus wants me to lay my burdens at his feet and he will take care of me. How blessed I am to serve a God who is so powerful, loving, and forgiving. Know I want to have faith to lay my past at Jesus feet and trust that he will take care of the rest.

A Very Special Day

My family in front of the Judge

On thinking of a topic to write about, I totally skipped over my adoption. I was adopted on September 30, 2012. A very exciting day for my family and I. Finally I was part of a healthy functioning family with many opportunities for me that weren't there before.  Now I would be enrolled in to a christian school, healthy family relationships, and be able to feel loved. I am not saying that I wouldn't miss any of my birth family when I was adopted. Letting go of what I knew for so long to be love, and family was hard, but it was for the better. The adoption was a major turning point in my life. I was twelve years old and didn't see the adoption as significant then. Now that I am older I see how much love my adoptive parents had for me. They sacrificed an easy life to adopt my brothers, sisters, and me. Anyways, on our family's adoption day we started the morning off at the court house where the adoption was legalized, and my last name changed from Dudley to Ness. Then we went out for breakfast with our extended family, and some of my birth family. Some of my birth family came to my adoption because they cared, and were excited for my family's new beginning. Later in the day my brothers, sisters, and I went back to school. When we got there the student council had a banner up congratulating our adoption,and made root beer floats. I am very grateful for the parents that God had lined up for me. He purposed for what he would do with my life and he knows what he is doing. As I look back now, I am grateful that God was with me through the rough times, and brought me to a very beautiful place to be adopted. If my parents had not answered God's calling on their life then I don't know where I would be today. I am very grateful for them and I don't think I could say enough to express my gratitude to them.

On my adoption day

 

Letting God define me, Not the world

  Recently I have been really trying to discover who I am and what makes me Destiny! For so long I was conforming to what other people wanted me to be. Well I found that conforming never will bring me happiness, it only left me feeling empty. Then came the decision to back away and learn about things that intrest me and do things that I like. I began to look at people beyond outward appearance and the typical label of "cool". I would get so bored at home not knowing what to do because I didn't know what I liked to do. I began to search and ask God to show me the gifts he has placed inside of me. Who would have ever known that I would break the generational chains on my life. A big majority of my birth family search for meaningless things to fill the pain. The only thing that could truly satisfy is Jesus. I'm trying to begin to search beyond the surface where it is comfortable and learn more about Jesus and what he wants for my life. I know I say that I am thankful for my parents a lot but it is so true. They have taught me so many things that I would never ever have known. I wouldn't of been able to take the past pain and hurt and find healing through Jesus' blood. God creates us to be set apart from the world so that others may see him through us. I am still learning and searching to know myself more and see myself as God sees me.

Romans 12:2
        " Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing, and perfect will".

Isaiah 64:8
   " Yet you, LORD, are our father, we are the clay, and you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand".

Psalm 139:23
Search me God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts".





http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/don%27t+conform
 

Never Alone, For God is with me

" Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things" Jeremiah 33:3(NIV)

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/never+alone

About a week ago as I sit in my room combing my little sisters hair, I began to think to myself. I wondered how come every time I feel like I get close to someone they walk away, break my heart, or hurt me? At the ending of this thought I hear this still small whisper saying "Destiny, I am showing you our relationship. Sometimes you are so close to me, then you walk a way for a season and it hurts me. Yet I still have the same love for so love them like I love you". WOW! There I was having myself a pity party and I was convicted. I felt so alone, like friends were walking away from me. I didn't really understand why. I really didn't know how to react or how to feel. I guess God uses these times to draw us closer to him. In all reality all we need is Jesus, but he gave us companionship on earth. My whole life I tried to fit in to groups of people searching for companionship. When I feel like I have found a good friend, it doesn't turn up that way. This past week I just wanted to start shutting people out so I wouldn't be hurt anymore. I know that would be wrong but I am so tired of the constant pain that is hovering over me. I put on a smile every day to hide the pain that aches deep down in my heart. It's easy to do because most people can't see the deep hurt I carry. I know the devil is out to destroy me. He is trying to make my pain worse. I know this because kids have school started saying things like " go die, everything is your fault". Even though I know that none of this is true it still hurts. I don't mind the teasing but saying things like that open wounds of rejection. God already knows that I would walk through these things.My human mind can't fathom the unending love he has for me.  I have walked through so many things that I never would have chosen. He allowed me to go through the pain and hurt to bring me to a point of maturity. So the next time I feel alone and empty, I will seek God because I know that he will never leave me. I also have a family who loves me.
     
          "Never Once"                                                                    

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

We may not have it all together, But together we have it all ( Part 2)

Dodging mom's pictures

As a follow up to my last blog, I would like to give more insight into my family's daily life.  Here we are three families blended to be one. There is always something fun or insanely funny going on. We sometimes play board games, watch movies, or just have fun. Chores! Every kid in our family has chores except the two year old. We each have a family chore that has to be done everyday.By having chores the house runs smoother and life is not so chaotic. In addition to family chores,there are commission jobs that we get paid for and must be done daily. Lets say I wanted to go hang out with friends, my mom would ask if I had all of my chores done. My parents philosophy behind me doing chores is to prepare me to make my own way in today's world. I'm not always sure how to respond to some things that happen around my house. One time my mother thought it would be hilarious to act like she had cut off her thumb. One of my brothers got so upset that he climbed behind the couch and sobbed.
       Kasie, Lexy and I love driving my mom crazy, but we all know how much she loves it. When she is trying to take pictures of us doing family activities, we hide. During the summer, my mom would have nap time for the five youngest. Of course as they got older they no longer had to take naps. My brother Carter didn't seem to grow out of nap time and still has a tendency to fall asleep wherever he is. This was always frightening to mom when we couldn't find him anywhere! Carter is a very interesting child, he was found pretending to be a cat one summer day.









                                 
     My little sister Tatiana loves to make forts. She had a bunch of boxes in a corner of the house preparing to make a cardboard fort and I guess the job got a little tiring and she fell asleep. Being part of a big family really helps you to rid ones self of the feelings concerning what others think. For example,  one day when I was at school my little brother got into my room. I had pink walls, so Brad thought he could practice the letter "B" on my wall. Not only did he write on my wall with a black sharpie, he also used my scissors to cut Skylar's hair. I wasn't the happiest when I walked into my room that day.  Like every other family, thanks to Adam and Eve, we have some that aren't the best of friends. One of the younger ones got mad at Kasie and put a big wad of gum in her hair.After using scissors to remove the gum, Kasie showed the younger one saying " thanks a lot".   We have some that have gotten so angry that they have torn their entire room apart. It's great to watch them as they kick the walls and mom says's " I can gather a crowd if you want attention".  Those certain individuals then stop and it suddenly becomes funny to them.
     I love being part of a big family. God definitely had a sense of humor when he put our family together . Some days when you are so down, someone comes along and does something hilarious and your joy is refilled . You realize that family is the greatest thing that you could ever have. 




Fathers day



    

This is us at our finest!

We don't have it all together, But together we have it all

My family
 






My Family
 

There are a lot of great things about being part of a big family. A lot of great memories are built between us and we are like a team. You learn to value your time, your parents, and get rid of some common selfishness that is inside of most kids. No, it is not always peace and quiet. I'm sure you have assumed that already. There is always something funny going on or something loud and crazy.I ( Destiny) am the oldest at sixteen and the youngest is two. I can't mention his name due to him not being adopted and for privacy reasons. I have six sisters named Lexy(14), Kasie(14), Samantha(10), Destiny(7), Tatiana(5) and Skylar(4). I also have seven brothers named Hunter(13), John(11), Carter(8), Ashton(7), Brad and Chad(6),and the two year old. We have a girls side of the house and a boys side of the house and my parents bedroom is in the middle. Our house has a total of Nine bedrooms and four and a half bathrooms. The reason we have nine bedrooms is because we had two great big rooms that we split in half, then we split another two rooms. They are still really nice sized rooms. I share a room with Tatiana, Kasie and Skylar share.Lexy has her own, Hunter has his own room, John and Carter share. Brad, Chad, and Ashton share and the two year old has his own room. Yes there are two Destiny's and both of us were adopted. We have a fifteen passenger van that we drive mostly everywhere.For some of you it is probably hard to fathom the way we do things. Here are a few things that we do different then most families. Our food is made in large quantities. To get the kids in for a meal we ring the dinner bell.  We know that when the bell rings you are to come in. On birthdays each kid picks you a present from mom. Before they give you you're present they are required to say something they like about you. After they give you you're present the birthday person gives you a treat in return as a thank you. On our actual birthdays we get to pick a sculpted cake and pick the flavours of the cake and icing. You also get your presents. Then in the summer, instead of having an individual party, unless you are turning thirteen or sixteen,we have a great big party. Most of the school kids look forward to these parties. My mom spend the entire year before researching and gaining ideas. they are a lot of fun. There are also challenges in being part of a big family. There are a select few who are more misbehaving and take a lot of attention. It takes time away from the rest of the family. When one person does not do a chore it affects the rest of us. Taking family pictures is also a challenge at times. Someones sticking out their tongue, their eyes are closed, or they are making silly faces. Well I hope to have a part two and more insights into our crazy world.

                                                                                 

                                                                      
 

Fate made us sisters, but choice made us friends

The most wonderful part of my day is when I get home. I love spending time with my sisters Kasie and Lexy. We have a very close friendship. My sisters mean everything to me. We share many laughs, tears and hurts. Almost every night Kasie, Lexy and I are in either Lexy's room or mine laughing about the randomest things. My favorite thing about my sisters is the way we love each other despite little querks each of us have.

Lexy, Kasie and I at Dairy Queen
 

Kasie, Lexy and I (Easter of 2010)

My mom(Amy), Lexy, Kasie and I at my aunts baby
shower

Kasie, Lexy and I ( Christmas 0f 2011)

Lexy, Kasie, and I ( Easter of 2010)

Kasie, Lexy and I ( Easter 2010)
 

One of us could do something totally stupid and we all laugh. On weekends we stay up late in my room and talk about our past school week. Usually we give advice on how to act towards people who have hurt us or what has happened in the past week. When we are at school to stay connected through out the school day, we write each other notes on our spare time. My sisters and I love going almost everywhere together. Anything from shopping, doctors appointments, dentist, anything. We love making stupid movies to laugh at and taking stupid pictures. Then there are times when we are all in tears together. Some of my favorite memories with my sisters was the time when we had just moved and and us three shared a room. We would constantly be in trouble for being to loud and we still get in trouble to this day for being too loud even though we all have our own rooms. One time we turned the music up very loud and jumped from bed to bed. Of course we got in trouble for being too loud. Another great memory was the time when a mosquito got in our room during the summer. Of course Lexy being the bravest was running around the room trying to kill the mosquito while Kasie and I were sitting on the floor laughing at Lexy. Honestly I think we laugh more than we fight. When we first moved in and once Kasie and I got to know Lexy she told us how much she was happy to have us as sisters. Sometimes when I would get upset, I would say how much I wished I didn't come to live with the Ness's. One time I made the mistake of telling Lexy that when we were younger and she told me that she would of been so upset if I went away to another family because she loved me so much. I don't think I could of asked God for anything better than my two wonderful sisters. I wouldn't trade anything for them. They are my best friends. 



Choosing to lead my heart instead of follow it

This past sunday(February 17) I was in the kitchen laughing with my mom and sisters. The house phone began to ring, so my mom went to go answer it. She starts waving me over asking if I would like to talk to my birthparents. I began to cry. I hadn't talked to them in so long that I had no idea what to think or say. Hearing my birthdads voice , as I was crying, was so nice to hear yet very hurtful. Before the conversation advanced too far, I began to stop crying and ready myself for the conversation set before me.
Most of the time it is just lie after lie. Ones like " were doing so much better, no more drugs and we haven't drank in months". I usually reply " I hope so for your sake". Deep down I know that they are so defined by drugs and alchol that only God can pull them from this pattern. They have been addicted to most illegal drugs and also perscription drugs. Constantly on this phone call my birthdad kept telling me that he was so proud of the lady I am becoming. I then began to talk to my birthmom for part of the conversation. She didn't have very much to say so I talked to my birthdad again. Once the phone call ended I ran to my room and pulled out my Bible. I began to read and pray for the strength that I need to make it through this emotional time. It has been totally hard for me to cut off all contact with my birthparents. This phone call has caused so much confusion and hurt inside of me. It affects my schoolwork, attitude, and weighs heavy on my mind to where I have trouble keeping up with the world around me.

On tuesday I began to think to myself " why on earth do they keep popping in and out of my life randomly". I felt like I had just started to heal from some of my deeper wounds and here they come to soften a wound that they had left. This just makes me want to scream,  Ifeel like I don't know what to do anymore. When I finally think I have come to a resolution to cut off contact, my heart says I still want to talk to them. Then a battle rages deep inside my heart and mind trying to sort my emotions.  On this phone call they also tell me that they want to come and see me next month. As much as I would love that , I feel like it would only affect me negatively. So there starts a whole new thought process to work through.

Sometimes I wish this was never the way my life was, but as I think about it through the right attitude, I say " thank you God for the life you have given me". I know he will use every hurt and pain to make me a stronger

person. He has done so much in my life already and to him I am very grateful.

I never would have dreamed this would be me

Before I was adopted, I probably never would have gotten to do half the things I have done. Some of the greatest things I have gotten to do was have a great big birthday party. Every summer my mom throws one big themed party for all of us. It takes immense planning, but it's something that the kids at school love. We also get to go to a private school. My whole life all I knew was public school. It was a very cool thing to transition into a private school. Things were so much smaller and mostly everyone got along. My birthparents never really ever held a drivers license for very long and in april I get my provisional license. Not many of my birth cousins drive yet and I am younger than the majority of them. Never would I have ever known what purity was, or having healthy relationships with guys. On my fifth christmas with the Ness's I got a purity ring. The ring is a real pearl. The reasoning my dad had behind it was once a oyster is opened and gives the pearl, it dies. There is no giving the pearl back. So my desire is to stay pure before marriage. I am very glad I have parents who teach me the right things to do and letting the Bible be their guide to teach me. I also learned how to dress modestly. There is nice ways to dress without showing tons of skin.

Karen and I
 



Jourdan and I

Meghan, Jourdan and
 I at Jacelyns birthday
 

Jacelyn and I
 

Me, Jourdan,Jacelyn,Caroline,and Meghan
 

They have taught me to save money more than I spend it. That is incredibly hard for me because I love buying clothes, shoes, and purses. So I decided that everytime I got paid fifty percent went to the bank. My mom took me to the bank and I started a savings account two summers ago. This past weekend was one of the greatest times I have ever had. Our schol doesn't have formals or proms. So my friend decided for her eighteenth birthday party that she would have a masquerade. I ordered a dress from the U.K. but it didn't get here on time. My mom had a dress that was fancy enough for the occasion. This was a fun time to dress up very fancy for me. Once I got to the party we took a lot of pictures. Then we ate dinner and played games. It was some of the most fun I had in a long time. Once the party was over a limbo came and picked up all of us that were spending the night with my friend. My friends mom asked us if we wanted to go through a drive though in the limbo. We all said that would be really cool. We went to Dq and went to order. Well we couldn't decide so we told them one minute. Than the guy came back on and said " blizzards are starting at $100". So Jourdan proceeds to yell out the window saying  " I can't afford that", and we all errupted with laughter. The guy than says " please pull up to the window and we will take your order so we did. We get up there and the guy says " we are closed we just wanted to laugh at you". It was pretty funny. We had a great time that night and had lots of great laughs. On this blog I decided to take a break on the depressing stuff and add some of the great parts of my new journey and the wonderful/ crazy friends I have.

 

A trip down memory lane

I have very good memories of my birth family and others not so good. Some of the best memories I have are with my birth moms parents. They used to let me spend the night and we would get up early in the morning and drive to Ocean City and stay in a hotel. I used to love spending time with them before I was taken away from my birth parents. I shared a lot of good memories with them. My grandpa was very funny and loving. I loved calling him and still talking to him when I came to live with the Ness's. Although he was someone I had great memories with him, I also have some that weren't so great. He drank a lot and I would cry because he would scare me even though he would never hurt me, he just liked to yell. I hated when there was a lot of tension around me because I was always on edge, scared of what would be coming at me next. One of the times I lost tremendous respect for my grandpa when a devastating event happened that I felt he willingly betrayed me. I was so shocked. My moms mom was a very nice grandmother. I used to tan with her when I was little and go to the store with her and get candy. One of my favorite memories was when I went crabbing with my grandparents. I asked my grandpa if I could measure the crabs and he said go ahead. So I put the measuring stick in and a crab hooked on to it. I pulled the stick out with the crab on it and shook the crab off on to the road. The crab began running down the road and my grandpa went chasing after it. It wasn't funny right then and there but as I look back I laugh at it.

I also have some great memories with my birth parents. I loved when my mom would paint my nails and do my hair. It made me feel special. I loved taking walks with my birth parents on the occasion that we did. I also remember one time when my mom drove us to the Nanticoke beach to see it. Some of my memories weren't so great. I remember one time my birth dad was very high and drunk. He proceeded to walk out of the house in green boxers, climbed on top of the porch rail and jumped off screaming that he was the hulk. Another bad memory was of my birth mom. We went over our neighbors house to watch a race. I was looking for my mom and they told me she went to the bathroom. Well I went and banged on the door calling for her. She walks out with this big pipe. I knew it was marijuana because at a very young age I was told what all this stuff was. I was so mad at her for doing it. I hashed out in immediate anger and hit her because I was so mad at her. I cried my eyes out feeling hurt and replaced. I would of been seven or so and yet I had enough sense then to know what she was doing was wrong. Another bad memory was when I was up late because there was a lot of people at our house. They were having a "drug" party. I heard my mom walk out of her bedroom so I ran in there to see what she was doing. To my dismay she had a piece of glass and a little straw sniffing cocaine. I dumped it out behind the desk and ran out. I think she was to high to realize it. It was scary because so many people were there so I was scared to go to bed. Probably about a week after their "party", one of the men that was their died of an overdose. His wife died  about a year later. It hurt me to think that my parents were leading to peoples death by letting them try these drugs. Another bad memory I have was when my birth dad drove into the bad parts of Baltimore city. He took me with him and we pulled up to a group of people and he told me to lay on the floor. I remember being so scared and hugging my teddy bear. Turns out that he was buying heroine. I know this blog seems to be primarily bad memories but I wasn't in a healthy family where good memories outweigh the bad. My world was upside down for a while.

People who have stood beside me in this journey



Mrs.Christine and I

My Family( My parents showed me true love)

Me,Candace(Mrs.Christine's daughter), Mrs.Christine, Kasie,Lexy

Lexy, Me, Mrs Christine, and Kasie

I have been very blessed have people in my life to help bring healing. When I first started going to church I met a family who was very close to my foster parents. The mother( Christine) began to get very involved in our life. God had laid it on her heart that she was to minister to girls. Through this she began to sow seeds in my life.She would constantly slip me letters to build me up. Everything she did she always pointed back to God. I always felt very safe with her in the beginning of our relationship. I felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't love me any less. On time in one of her letters she told me she always wanted a daughter named Destiny. She said that it was a powerful name and that there was great meaning in my name. Her first born turned out to be a son. When she told me that I thought it was the craziest thing because my foster mom wanted a daughter named Destiny and she got two. Mrs. Christine has helped me through a great part of the healing that Jesus has for me and she continues to sow seeds in my life as of today. Another mentor was a lady named Heather. I met her in the summer of 2011 doing nursery in the summer. I was terrified of going to my own youth group because I felt like I wouldn't be accepted and there were so many cliques. She wondered why I didn't go and so I told her. She tried for weeks to get me in there.Then she finally told me she had a feeling there was something bugging and so she took me out of nursery and prayed for me. I began to open up and tell her things that I can't even begin to blog about. There is still so much hurt from the past still that is hard to let go. After that day when she prayed for me I felt like some chains were breaking free and some of the things were not haunting my mind anymore. She is now like a big sister to me. I began to go to youth group and disregarded the lies of the enemy saying that no one in there would like me, I wasn't pretty enough to be in their group. I went in anyway and kids began to come up and talk to me and I knew right then and there that it doesn't matter what you look like or your social status. We are to love like Jesus loves and the kids in the youth group that night showed me that. I began to love it and I usually go every week. The youth pastors wife got really excited when my sisters and I started coming. It has truly blessed and has made such an impact on my life to all these people who have taken their time to minister to me and to be a phone call away if I ever needed them.I am especially blessed by my adoptive mother Amy who sacrificed to take my siblings and I.  She made my life better by giving me a safer environment and loving me unconditionally.

A Blossoming Journey

Kasie, Our social worker and I meeting baby chickens
for the first time.

When I first came to stay with the Ness's for foster care, It was culture shock to me. I was used to listening to whatever I wanted, Watching whatever I wanted and doing whatever I wanted to a degree. At the Ness's house they only listened to christian music, watched specific shows, and had rules. It was very hard for me to adapt at first. Thankfully they were very understanding and worked very hard to help me and my siblings move out of some of our old habits and understand why they had the rules they had.I learned to love christian music. I was learning healthy boundaries and rules. I was so excited to be in a new family. I was always excited for church on Sundays even though I didn't understand it or what it meant, for me it was a new experience for us. I loved getting to  dress-up. I loved the little things we did together. One memory that vividly sticks out in my mind was the longing to be "loved" again. I was loved by my grandparents but most of the time they were buying my love by getting me things that I wanted. It never satisfied the deep, deep yearning for true love. I had no idea how to express it, I never new what true unconditional love was like. Yes, my birth parents loved me but it wasn't genuine love. Love involves sacrifice, time, patience and work. While I was in foster care with the Ness's I wondered why they were so different. They were so caring and loving. They had boundaries and were stern when they needed to be. I began to feel somewhat loved by them. It took me a long time to totally open up because I bottled in so much hurt and anger. I remember before I even came to live with the Ness's I always asked to call her mommy. She told us that we needed to wait for the social worker to say that it was ok. I was so blessed to go to my grandparents for a year of foster care then to a christian family. I really see so clearly know that God has his hand on my life and that he always has. I know he has plans for my life. I just pray that I will be open to follow God wherever he leads me and not hold back. I want to be his servant because of what he has done in my life. I don't know where my life would be without him. He has worked miraculously in my heart and is constantly renewing my mind and molding me to be more like him everyday, and for that I am very thankful.
The summer before I came to Faith Baptist  
                                 

 

One day when I was just messing around

My Mom, Ashton, and Chad. I was learning to use the camera.

 

Jeremiah 29:11

" For I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, Plans to give you a hope and a future".

How I met my foster parents

When I was living with my grandparents,my birth mom got pregnant. One night we were spending the night with my birth parents (which was against the rules), and early in the morning at about 1:00 in the morning I was rudely awakened and I come downstairs to my birth mom in labour! She had one of my brothers at home. They tied her umbilical cord and the ambulance came. Later that day we got a call that she had another boy about a half hour later. She went into labour very early because she didn't have the right prenatal care and she was heavily into drugs and minor drinking. The twins(picture to the right, they were newborns) were 10 weeks premature and were in the hospital for 4 weeks.The twins needed a foster family that could cater to their needs. There was a social worker that got up with Amy and Scott because she was a LPN and could take care of the twins properly. We had visits at my grandparents house and Amy would bring the twins to visit with us. I remember every time she would come, as we got to know her we would always beg to see where the twins lived. Amy said that she would take us at anytime. It then worked out that my grandfather had to go up to court for some reason so we got to go to the Ness's for a weekend. I was never so excited, we got to dress up and go to church. It was foreign to me but I though it was the fun thing to do. We learned new things. I learned how to straighten my hair and use my imagination. We went back with my grandparents and begged to go back. Finally my grandparents went to drop us off at our parents one time and there was a social worker there. She then and there decided that right there was proof for us to be removed. I was so excited and couldn't wait to go to the Ness's house again. It was all because of the birth of my twin brothers that my life would be changed forever:)

Removed from the old life

One morning when I woke up there were social workers at our house. I clearly remember my birthdad hiding upstairs because he was high, leaving my birthmom to face the workers alone. They were at the house for a little while talking to my mom about things she needs to fix in her parenting. The social workers left and then came back later and picked my brothers,sisters and I up. I remember them telling us on the way to my grandparents house that we would be going back in a couple of days, that my parents needed a couple of days to get some help. I remember looking back at the house and crying, I had so many mixed emotions that I wasn't sure what to feel. I was nine at the time, feeling ashamed and many other emotions. We were taken to my birth moms parent's house. The couple of days turned into a year. My grandparents didn't obey the rules at all. The social workers told them that we weren't allowed to be around my parents unless there was state supervision. My grandparents let us spend the night with my parents, let our parents come over and disobeyed some other rules. We were better taken care of health wise. There weren't many boundaries in place, we were allowed to wander the neighborhood and pretty much do whatever we wanted. I understand why there weren't many boundaries. My grandparents went from having no kids for a while to having five from the ages of nine to two. More to be read on my next blog!



www.adoptuskids.org/

My emotional roller coaster

It all started when I was about seven years old. We had these people in and out of house that were there to"help"us(social worker). My birth-parents were stuck in a very immature mentality and still are today due to heavy drug usage. Of course at age seven most kids are living their childhood dreams. Not me I was taking care of three siblings and going to school. I was forced to grow up fast, not by my own choosing. If I could of chosen staying young and having a normal childhood over being a little mommy at seven, I surely would of chosen to have a normal childhood. My childhood was normal to me because it was all I ever knew. On the occasion that I would get to go to my birth-dads mom house, I always got excited because I got to escape my world and being unaware that I was just entering another atmosphere of the same without all the responsibilities that I had at home. When I was at her house I got to stop the ice-cream truck and do girly things like painting my nails. I actually felt like a kid to a degree. Once all of the responsibilities at home started wearing me down, I always longed to be away from home. I was calling my grandparents trying to find a place to spend the night. I was always so lonely. I never really got along with kids at school, I was not the best dressed or well kept child.I always looked for acceptance in places that made me feel empty. I was never taught good hygeine skills from my birth-parents. Most of the things I did learn came from my grandparents when I would stay with them. I was so thankful for the teachers at the different schools I was going to. They were such good examples in my life at the time. All the other examples were teaching me to not care about my life. My birthparents let me watch whatever I wanted. I usually chose the scary movies, They brought a lot of fear into my future. This was a little glimpse into my early childhood:)