Choosing to lead my heart instead of follow it

This past sunday(February 17) I was in the kitchen laughing with my mom and sisters. The house phone began to ring, so my mom went to go answer it. She starts waving me over asking if I would like to talk to my birthparents. I began to cry. I hadn't talked to them in so long that I had no idea what to think or say. Hearing my birthdads voice , as I was crying, was so nice to hear yet very hurtful. Before the conversation advanced too far, I began to stop crying and ready myself for the conversation set before me.
Most of the time it is just lie after lie. Ones like " were doing so much better, no more drugs and we haven't drank in months". I usually reply " I hope so for your sake". Deep down I know that they are so defined by drugs and alchol that only God can pull them from this pattern. They have been addicted to most illegal drugs and also perscription drugs. Constantly on this phone call my birthdad kept telling me that he was so proud of the lady I am becoming. I then began to talk to my birthmom for part of the conversation. She didn't have very much to say so I talked to my birthdad again. Once the phone call ended I ran to my room and pulled out my Bible. I began to read and pray for the strength that I need to make it through this emotional time. It has been totally hard for me to cut off all contact with my birthparents. This phone call has caused so much confusion and hurt inside of me. It affects my schoolwork, attitude, and weighs heavy on my mind to where I have trouble keeping up with the world around me.

On tuesday I began to think to myself " why on earth do they keep popping in and out of my life randomly". I felt like I had just started to heal from some of my deeper wounds and here they come to soften a wound that they had left. This just makes me want to scream,  Ifeel like I don't know what to do anymore. When I finally think I have come to a resolution to cut off contact, my heart says I still want to talk to them. Then a battle rages deep inside my heart and mind trying to sort my emotions.  On this phone call they also tell me that they want to come and see me next month. As much as I would love that , I feel like it would only affect me negatively. So there starts a whole new thought process to work through.

Sometimes I wish this was never the way my life was, but as I think about it through the right attitude, I say " thank you God for the life you have given me". I know he will use every hurt and pain to make me a stronger

person. He has done so much in my life already and to him I am very grateful.

I never would have dreamed this would be me

Before I was adopted, I probably never would have gotten to do half the things I have done. Some of the greatest things I have gotten to do was have a great big birthday party. Every summer my mom throws one big themed party for all of us. It takes immense planning, but it's something that the kids at school love. We also get to go to a private school. My whole life all I knew was public school. It was a very cool thing to transition into a private school. Things were so much smaller and mostly everyone got along. My birthparents never really ever held a drivers license for very long and in april I get my provisional license. Not many of my birth cousins drive yet and I am younger than the majority of them. Never would I have ever known what purity was, or having healthy relationships with guys. On my fifth christmas with the Ness's I got a purity ring. The ring is a real pearl. The reasoning my dad had behind it was once a oyster is opened and gives the pearl, it dies. There is no giving the pearl back. So my desire is to stay pure before marriage. I am very glad I have parents who teach me the right things to do and letting the Bible be their guide to teach me. I also learned how to dress modestly. There is nice ways to dress without showing tons of skin.

Karen and I
 



Jourdan and I

Meghan, Jourdan and
 I at Jacelyns birthday
 

Jacelyn and I
 

Me, Jourdan,Jacelyn,Caroline,and Meghan
 

They have taught me to save money more than I spend it. That is incredibly hard for me because I love buying clothes, shoes, and purses. So I decided that everytime I got paid fifty percent went to the bank. My mom took me to the bank and I started a savings account two summers ago. This past weekend was one of the greatest times I have ever had. Our schol doesn't have formals or proms. So my friend decided for her eighteenth birthday party that she would have a masquerade. I ordered a dress from the U.K. but it didn't get here on time. My mom had a dress that was fancy enough for the occasion. This was a fun time to dress up very fancy for me. Once I got to the party we took a lot of pictures. Then we ate dinner and played games. It was some of the most fun I had in a long time. Once the party was over a limbo came and picked up all of us that were spending the night with my friend. My friends mom asked us if we wanted to go through a drive though in the limbo. We all said that would be really cool. We went to Dq and went to order. Well we couldn't decide so we told them one minute. Than the guy came back on and said " blizzards are starting at $100". So Jourdan proceeds to yell out the window saying  " I can't afford that", and we all errupted with laughter. The guy than says " please pull up to the window and we will take your order so we did. We get up there and the guy says " we are closed we just wanted to laugh at you". It was pretty funny. We had a great time that night and had lots of great laughs. On this blog I decided to take a break on the depressing stuff and add some of the great parts of my new journey and the wonderful/ crazy friends I have.

 

A trip down memory lane

I have very good memories of my birth family and others not so good. Some of the best memories I have are with my birth moms parents. They used to let me spend the night and we would get up early in the morning and drive to Ocean City and stay in a hotel. I used to love spending time with them before I was taken away from my birth parents. I shared a lot of good memories with them. My grandpa was very funny and loving. I loved calling him and still talking to him when I came to live with the Ness's. Although he was someone I had great memories with him, I also have some that weren't so great. He drank a lot and I would cry because he would scare me even though he would never hurt me, he just liked to yell. I hated when there was a lot of tension around me because I was always on edge, scared of what would be coming at me next. One of the times I lost tremendous respect for my grandpa when a devastating event happened that I felt he willingly betrayed me. I was so shocked. My moms mom was a very nice grandmother. I used to tan with her when I was little and go to the store with her and get candy. One of my favorite memories was when I went crabbing with my grandparents. I asked my grandpa if I could measure the crabs and he said go ahead. So I put the measuring stick in and a crab hooked on to it. I pulled the stick out with the crab on it and shook the crab off on to the road. The crab began running down the road and my grandpa went chasing after it. It wasn't funny right then and there but as I look back I laugh at it.

I also have some great memories with my birth parents. I loved when my mom would paint my nails and do my hair. It made me feel special. I loved taking walks with my birth parents on the occasion that we did. I also remember one time when my mom drove us to the Nanticoke beach to see it. Some of my memories weren't so great. I remember one time my birth dad was very high and drunk. He proceeded to walk out of the house in green boxers, climbed on top of the porch rail and jumped off screaming that he was the hulk. Another bad memory was of my birth mom. We went over our neighbors house to watch a race. I was looking for my mom and they told me she went to the bathroom. Well I went and banged on the door calling for her. She walks out with this big pipe. I knew it was marijuana because at a very young age I was told what all this stuff was. I was so mad at her for doing it. I hashed out in immediate anger and hit her because I was so mad at her. I cried my eyes out feeling hurt and replaced. I would of been seven or so and yet I had enough sense then to know what she was doing was wrong. Another bad memory was when I was up late because there was a lot of people at our house. They were having a "drug" party. I heard my mom walk out of her bedroom so I ran in there to see what she was doing. To my dismay she had a piece of glass and a little straw sniffing cocaine. I dumped it out behind the desk and ran out. I think she was to high to realize it. It was scary because so many people were there so I was scared to go to bed. Probably about a week after their "party", one of the men that was their died of an overdose. His wife died  about a year later. It hurt me to think that my parents were leading to peoples death by letting them try these drugs. Another bad memory I have was when my birth dad drove into the bad parts of Baltimore city. He took me with him and we pulled up to a group of people and he told me to lay on the floor. I remember being so scared and hugging my teddy bear. Turns out that he was buying heroine. I know this blog seems to be primarily bad memories but I wasn't in a healthy family where good memories outweigh the bad. My world was upside down for a while.

People who have stood beside me in this journey



Mrs.Christine and I

My Family( My parents showed me true love)

Me,Candace(Mrs.Christine's daughter), Mrs.Christine, Kasie,Lexy

Lexy, Me, Mrs Christine, and Kasie

I have been very blessed have people in my life to help bring healing. When I first started going to church I met a family who was very close to my foster parents. The mother( Christine) began to get very involved in our life. God had laid it on her heart that she was to minister to girls. Through this she began to sow seeds in my life.She would constantly slip me letters to build me up. Everything she did she always pointed back to God. I always felt very safe with her in the beginning of our relationship. I felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't love me any less. On time in one of her letters she told me she always wanted a daughter named Destiny. She said that it was a powerful name and that there was great meaning in my name. Her first born turned out to be a son. When she told me that I thought it was the craziest thing because my foster mom wanted a daughter named Destiny and she got two. Mrs. Christine has helped me through a great part of the healing that Jesus has for me and she continues to sow seeds in my life as of today. Another mentor was a lady named Heather. I met her in the summer of 2011 doing nursery in the summer. I was terrified of going to my own youth group because I felt like I wouldn't be accepted and there were so many cliques. She wondered why I didn't go and so I told her. She tried for weeks to get me in there.Then she finally told me she had a feeling there was something bugging and so she took me out of nursery and prayed for me. I began to open up and tell her things that I can't even begin to blog about. There is still so much hurt from the past still that is hard to let go. After that day when she prayed for me I felt like some chains were breaking free and some of the things were not haunting my mind anymore. She is now like a big sister to me. I began to go to youth group and disregarded the lies of the enemy saying that no one in there would like me, I wasn't pretty enough to be in their group. I went in anyway and kids began to come up and talk to me and I knew right then and there that it doesn't matter what you look like or your social status. We are to love like Jesus loves and the kids in the youth group that night showed me that. I began to love it and I usually go every week. The youth pastors wife got really excited when my sisters and I started coming. It has truly blessed and has made such an impact on my life to all these people who have taken their time to minister to me and to be a phone call away if I ever needed them.I am especially blessed by my adoptive mother Amy who sacrificed to take my siblings and I.  She made my life better by giving me a safer environment and loving me unconditionally.